Jokes Thread

[popowich]

Two Irish couples were talking about their sex lives being a bit boring & both fancied spicing it up a little.

So they decided to swap partners for a while !!

Mick said to Paddy

"I wonder how the girls are getting on"

[Coffeeman]

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had
to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was
hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy
determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the
creek. One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the
little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into
the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,
the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night
his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The
dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought
a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George
Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble
because he told the truth." The dad replied, "Well, son, George
Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

[Coffeeman]

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous
artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- carat diamond earrings, a large
diamond necklace, glimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby
pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having
an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I
want the bitch to go nuts looking for the jewelry."

[unixgeek]

A Blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing
a T.G.I.F. tee-shirt. 'Why are you wearing a

Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'

'Oh crap!' the blonde says.

'I didn't realize it was a religious T-shirt.

I thought it meant Tits Go In Front.'

[unixgeek]

Osama bin light in the loafers!

[unixgeek]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you'll love this...
---------

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.

The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked,
'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make
$400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four
weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and
asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did around here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'

[popowich]

A girl invited her boyfriend over for dinner to meet her parents. She
tells him she is so excited that he's going to meet her parents that she
wants to have sex later that night. The boy is thrilled! Since this
is his first time he goes to the drug store to buy some condoms. He
spends an hour with the pharmacist,who explains everything he needs to know
about sex and condoms. Then he explains that the condoms come in a 3
pack, 10 pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
since its his first time and he's really going to be going for it.

Later that night he arrives at his girlfriends. She says I'm so
happy you could make it, and brings him into the dining room where her
parents are waiting. The boy immediately sits down, bows his head and
begins saying grace. After 5 minutes his head is still down, After 10
minutes he is still in silent prayer. After 15 minutes his girlfriend leans
over and says "I had no idea you were so religious! " Without lifting
his head he leans over and replies
"I had no idea your Dad was a pharmacist!!! "http://www.discussny.com/images/smilies/dny_misc/rofl.gif

[unixgeek]

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .


Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

[unixgeek]

Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?' The mother looks at her son and replies,

'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[Coffeeman]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"